Bar Soap For Lotion.

I have been rather busy this last couple of months. What with the African Nations cup and the FIFA World Cup to deal with. I have been fully involved in their preparations to ensure their smooth running. I preferred the FIFA World Cup more because it had more set ups and re-evaluations to do plus the clientele were very diverse some great others miserly. Things have been good.

I knew things were turning for me when I bought my first ‘hand and body’ lotion without asking the cute attendee at the supermarket promoting it if biology had changed and hands were no longer part of the body. So it’s true I’m no longer using bar soap for lotion, I have moved on. I think I’ve even become spiritual and begin my days with the inkling that ‘every day is a blessing’ before my cold shower and lotion- hand and body lotion- application. I am as they say ‘fairer’ than before. Things could not get any better.

On the other hand- note; there was no ‘on one hand’- my boss has been up in my face cursing me for my constant lateness, sickness and absenteeism as I abscond from work to prepare for the FIFA World Cup. In my success I have seen people do weird things like go to church. Now hold your horses it’s their reason for going to church that has astounded me. I was preparing one family for the FIFA World Cup and when I was done the wife said that she would be the first one to go to church that weekend. The husband obliged and so on that Sunday the Husband was laid back at home waiting for 9am to turn on his TV and try and catch his wife live on TV in a live Sunday sermon broadcast by one local channel. Come the next Sunday he would get his chance.

My preparations have taken to places you’ll never go to. Have you been to your MP’s residence? Not his home but his official residence? You have? Not on a begging mission but because he needed a favor from you? I didn’t think so. Well just to rub it in, I have. And it’s not once or twice but several times. An illegitimate daughter of his has also been pinpointed to me. I also got her phone number so I have been sending her ‘please call me’ text messages and beeping her every now and then. I’m still waiting for her reply as I’m a patient man. The workers at his home have a nickname for her too. I’m not to be quoted but just so you’re in the know they call her “out-grower” – born out of wedlock, came with father to his first marriage. What? You know who an out-grower is? I ask -Are you speaking from experience?

I have also in my forays been to immaculate, gigantic houses where the watchman has his own toilet and bathroom and really good skin. His secret being not only lots of soap and clean water but also a rough polythene sack that he uses to scrub himself thoroughly for the appeasement of his boss’s madam. I had a difficult encounter with him on our first meet. He had left the gate wide open in his haste to keep himself clean when I got to it. There were other people waiting at the gate so I stayed put waiting for him to be done. When he was through he came to address us and began with me but I did not know it. He hurled insults at the guy next to me for not paying attention to him and it was only when he pointed at me that I realized it was me he had been insulting all along. How did he expect me to know that he was cross-eyed?

In the house there was also a cook who fed me like the dogs, literally. I can safely say that those who are always shouting about our country going to the dogs have not met the dogs I ate with. I even sampled some of their crunchy biscuits. The cook has gone to school and has an acquired accent with a refrain to boot. All his sentences would begin or end with the same phrase whatever the case.

“By the way, the food is ready madam.”

“I was feeding the dogs by the way, when the food was cooking madam.”

“By the way madam, do you want me to serve with the white plates or the clear ones today?”

“I think, by the way, that it will rain today.”

“I’m the chief cook here by the way.” Never mind that he was the only cook there!

“By the way, where do you come from?”

To which I nearly answered “I’m definitely not from by the way!” at the risk of missing out on the food he was about to serve.

I have also been to the near-do-wells and have assisted them with FIFA World Cup preparations as well. Most of them have huge masts that I had to lift on my own on to their roofs and fix so that they could get a clearer reception of the free-to-air TV stations. My work is so good that I have started rumours that once I fix your antennae depending on your payment you might receive cable TV. Of course I’ve been modest enough when asked to confirm or deny them. I told you what I have been doing right? Fixing TV aerials for a fee.

Unfortunately it’s all coming to an end tonight. The FIFA World Cup ends tonight and I’ll be out of work. Soon, I’ll be back to bar soap for lotion- for both “hands and body”.
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