Evening Classes

In my quest to be enlightened I have started an evening study programme at our neighborhood college. I’m now officially a student with an ID to prove it. I’m studying computers. Well, not exactly computers but on how to use some of the software installed on them. I speak in terms now, scientific terms. I’m still in my first package due to personal reasons; my tutor calls them “financial reasons hindering further pedagogical training”. I wonder what software that is from.

I am still in the “Introduction to Computer Terminologies” section and I must say I’m pretty happy with my progress. My tutor had also been very impressed with my progress until our recent fall out for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is the financial one- I did not secure the advertised scholarship after my registration as promised and so was able to pay for only one package.  In my hunger to learn more I did start investigations to find out who got the scholarships, but my sources have revealed that there has never been any scholarship on offer in the first place. It was just but a marketing gimmick. They got me on that one. They got others prior to my registration and even right now the hoax is still on going. My tutor was not impressed my research and investigative skills. I think that is why I was not allowed to touch the mouse during my practical on Hardware terms. I had really been looking forward to that. I did touch one at my work place when the boss’s receptionist had gone to the toilet though. It was a lovely experience. I was not scared at all.

The second reason is because of the new student.  She just cleared her secondary school education and is waiting for her examination results due in January next year. Her parents have paid for all the packages so she’s in it for the long haul. My tutor has been trying to get her to learn stuff way out of his syllabus but she has been a slow learner being fresh from school and all.

I think he sees me as a threat to his conquest. Last week before the end of my hour- we study per hour- he got all worked up when she came in for some remedial classes and he completely ignored me. My college is not that big, it is just one small room with two computers, my tutor’s and the students. So you see if I was being ignored I would know it. I was asked to sit aside as he grappled with terminologies that I now know but did not not could be used in other contexts.

“You are like upgraded software Shiko, no malware can affect you.” He said to her.

“What do you mean teacher?” she asked.

“What I mean is that if you get the right hardware, which I have, you can make good connections at unlimited super fast indernet speeds.” He explained further.

“What is indernet?” I cut in and asked.

“It’s none of your business right now till you pay for that package!” he retorted.

“I was just asking because…” I started before he cut me short.

“I’m in the middle of a class here, please be silent. No wait, just leave, we’re through for today and come back with your arrears tomorrow!” he shouted at me.

I picked my notebook, stood up in a hurry and left quickly as instructed.

The following day was my day off from work so by 8 O’clock in the morning, I was standing at our college’s entrance anxious to learn some more. By half past 8, my tutor was still nowhere to be seen. At a quarter to 9 Shiko came in for her classes. She was after all a full time student. She was definitely a pretty girl and I could see why my tutor was trying to do more than teach her.

“ ’Mouse’ ajecome bado? She asked me.

“Mouse”? I asked.

“Teacher wa comps,” she said.

“Why do you call him that?” I asked her.

“Si his head looks like a mouse! “  She answered laughing at her own joke.

“Hapana bado ‘ Mouse’ hajecome” I said joining in her laughter and continued, “I think ‘Mouse’ will be late today, he…”

“Who are you calling ‘Mouse’?,” I suddenly heard Mouse shout behind me.

“It’s a friend of…” I tried to explain.

“What friend? And what are you doing here today? I told you no more classes till you clear your arrears.” He roared.

“But I thought that I could…”

“No buts, money first, sawa? He said looking sternly at me before dismissing me with his eyes. He then turned to Shiko and asked her to join him in class.

And that is the other reason why my tutor does not want to see me in his college. So I’m not going to be attending any more classes and I’m sure Mouse would like to keep it that way as he tries to woo Shiko. But I’m about to get paid as the end of month is coming and then I, the ‘Cat’, will be back.

MY NAIROBI

If you’ve just landed at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport then you’re probably too tired from the jet lag to notice the renovations and extensions that are going on there. Or if you do then you’re probably thinking it’s about time they did that. You could take Jogoo Road but I think a better view for you would be on Mombasa Road. I’ll assume you’ll take a taxi from there and head to Mombasa Road where again you’ll get a chance to observe more constructions going on there as well. Okay so let me be forthwith with you Nairobi is currently in a frenzy of constructions. Mombasa road to the Central Business District (CBD) is a smooth sailing all the way except for sometimes hectic traffic from Nyayo National Stadium just a few kilometers to the CBD.

If there’s traffic you could try and catch up on sleep but please remember to roll up your window lest someone “helps” themselves with your valuables and disappears in the traffic although, that is not so common nowadays. Sleeping in a car is not for everyone so you could try and have a conversation with your taxi driver preferably in English but some drivers have learnt other languages as well so it would not ask to try some Mandarin, French, Italian or Arabic. Try and suggest the topic for ease of getting out of the conversation if you need to.

If you’re being driven to a hotel past the CBD then you might miss out on a lot of “Africa”. Chances are you’ll be taken to a fenced off hotel only to see the rest of the city from the confines of your room through a glass window. Now I know you will be taken for a ride in “town” but all you’ll see are more roads under constructions on your way to the Nairobi National Park which few kilometers in the outskirts of the city. I’m told the Big 5 are found in there so if you’re up and early you might get a chance to see 2 or three of them. I bet your next stop will be at Carnivore for a taste of game meat and to get a feel of Kenyan food. Trust me you won’t be disappointed.

On your way back, please feel free to pass by our infamous slum housing project called Kibera to get a glimpse of our NGO community. It’s touted as being on of the biggest slums south of the Sahara. I have always wondered why people willingly travel thousands of miles to see it. It might be the 8th wonder, I know not. A lot of NGO’s have “pitched camp” literally there and are in the process of assisting the inhabitants overcome a problem called “flying toilets” namely feaces thrown as far away as possible by hand from ones shanty house. Hopefully none will land on you; I’d hate to see your clean white shirt defaced.

In the evening Nairobi is also known for its nightlife. Various pubs and restaurants are splattered all over the CBD and its environs as well. Be safe, take a Kenyan matatu and enjoy the company of our friendly people just be sure to have exact change for they despise people with big notes who’ll make them run around looking for loose change. Oh and also get a translator for free directions and to keep prices of items you desire from skyrocketing on your numerous inquiries. Unless of course you’re on a spending spree and after all if you can bargain for it then it isn’t that expensive anyway. Take a short stroll as well through Toi market and get a souvenir for your time here. Various beautiful artifacts are on display so pick your choice.

Before you take your route back to your hotel room you could also pass-by our red light district on Koinange Street, just for the sake. Browsing on eBay is not necessarily buying, right? Same case here.

To nurse that hangover you’ll be having if you took some drinks, you can sleep late and wake up to a sumptuous breakfast meal from our amazing chefs in your hotel. So you’ll not have seen much but this is just your first day and there’s more to follow

Grateful for the undergarments

The season of giving is here again and I’m grateful for all I have received so far. Many thanks to the landlord for his gifts of 2 vests, one pair of trouser and 3 pairs of socks. The pair of trousers did not fit but I got enough money from it when I sold it to buy a loaf of sliced brown bread which was a real bargain I think. Oh plus one of the pair of socks was torn but it’s still useful when I put it on with either of the nicer pairs.

I’m grateful to the landlord for not kicking me out this time around as the watchman was thinking of charging me a fee every end month for spending time with him at his post after being locked out for rent arrears. I’m happy I don’t have to share my blood with the watchman’s fleas as well. I’m sure the landlord is looking out for us by not fumigating the watchman’s “box” to ensure he stays awake all night long and earns his keep. It does help that he now looks rougher with leopard like spots from all the scratching he’s been up to. I understand even the stray dogs stay away from his bonfire at night because his fleas have fleas with a caste system and they don’t want to infect themselves.

We his tenants never tire in informing the landlord that a gate without a surrounding perimeter fence looks ridiculous. However, we’re exhilarated that he has over time allowed us to dump rubbish in one corner and I’m sure by looking at the progress on the other corner where we’re now doing the dumping we’ll be getting our perimeter fence after all. Any thief worth his salt would be crazy to pass through the filth to get to our rooms. The smell doesn’t help but hey better half a fence than nothing.

I’m grateful to the butcher for cutting me a piece of meat once in a while in weight measures even I don’t understand for it is only at our place where they cut you a piece for what you have. I don’t mind at all when he calls me “Mambao” because I’m always saying “nikatie nyama ya mbao” without a hint of shame and no I don’t pretend it’s for poisoning the rats in my house like some customers .They lie. I would also like to take this opportunity to wish him a quick recovery after he cut his thumb while cutting a customer a five shillings piece- I think that was going way below even his own miniscule standards-that, Mr. Butcher man ,was pure greed. Of course I will never tell him to his face not while he still owns that big machete.

To my former next door neighbor I say peace be with you and yes I did get my money back. Thanks for the many lessons on the art of getting money. I particularly liked the one about asking someone out of the blues if they had money on their phone, aka MPESA, to send to you because it was “urgent” and that you would pay them back by 2pm the same day. The amount would not normally exceed 200 shillings and many a gullible victims myself included fell for it, some a couple of times. I never really understood why you chose 2pm as the refund time. I will try it out next year once things cool down a bit.


The policemen who came to ransack your place are still “patrolling the neighborhood” and are leaving no stones- read pockets- unturned/untouched. You really did have a lot of stuff but don’t worry the landlord made sure it was shared equitably- the policemen on patrol got the hi-fi radio that they reported as being stolen and took it for evidence keeping. I’m sure the one who carried your TV took it to the evidence room as well .I’m a good citizen so I helped him to get the antennae off the roof whilst he smiled for reasons best known to him. The landlord took your bed and your seats. Apparently you had rent arrears going way back and those items helped him recoup his losses. He left the mattress though, I don’t think it’s the ugly stain spots here and there particularly at the middle that made him leave it. Baba Boi your former neighbor to the right did not waste the opportunity. Bad rumours are going on that he upgraded on to your mattress and handed his paper thin mattress to be shared by his many kids. Allegedly, his kids are so excited that they sleep width-wise on it on the floor so that all 6 of them have a fair share of the mattress. It’s said that you can see the sparkle in Boi’s eyes in the morning when he carries it out and throws it on to the roof to dry.


I know some people thought I was foolish for only getting myself 2 vests, a pair of trouser, and 3 pairs of socks but what really happened to that busy body who joined the police and got himself your shirts? Wasn’t he the one who was beaten by an irate resident of The Estate for allegedly stealing his shirt? I sold the pair of trouser and wear my vests inside and my socks are in my shoes. All those nights you came back with bruises on your face and that bad cut you had on your head last year could not have been from scrambling to get in to a shopping mall to buy stuff, could it?

Some Sugar, Please!

There’s a new guy at The Estate. This new guy is bad news for all of us. He just moved in to the other side of our estate but everyone knows him, has heard of him or is about to. In case you have forgotten I told you the other day that there’s the real estate behind our ‘estate’. Well ours is really the one behind but that depends on your location and is neither there nor here or vice versa.

This guy lives in that estate. I have had the misfortune of meeting him at the shop while he was buying a smoke and five hundred shillings worth of mobile airtime recharge voucher on his way to the real estate. The shopkeeper was all over him and barely noticed me when I asked her for a quarter of the quarter kilogram of sugar.

“Keep passing by here…. not many people promote me like you do” I heard her say in a fake American accent I never knew she had. She then turned to me and said,

“Wewe! Shika, na ujue hii ni ya mwisho sitashinda nikiandika hapa madeni saa zote!”, as she handed me my sugar.

The guy took his eyes off her and ran them over me from head to toe as a looked down in shame. To say the least, my shirt, buttoned to the top, with its worn out collar- the one I prided myself for being “iron-proof” was no match for his half unbuttoned, hard-collar “very-ironed” shirt. I wondered if he had seen that I had put on two pairs of socks as the second hand pair I had rarely fit me and so I had to reinforce it with another pair on the inside lest I find them shriveled at ankle length. He then gave me a wry smile-the sort that says “I know what you’re up to but I just beat you to it so what are you gonna do about it?”

“Aii Vero, mbona hivyo leo? Si unajua ni hali ya maisha tu” I said trying to divert his attention back to her.

“Maisha kitu gani? Wewe nawe umezidi”she retorted.

“Lakini si...” I began defending myself, but she cut me short.


“Chukua uende!” She blurted, and then spoke softly to the guy, “You’ve saved my number? It’s 07…”

I retreated and left him sharing his airtime with her. What bad luck, what misfortune- all those debts I had acquired at the shop were my leverage for getting to know her, at least that’s what I thought on my side. How dare she discard me like that, I thy faithful customer in deep-bad-debt?

I felt like throwing a stone and smashing the tinted windscreen of his branded 4x4 vehicle parked beside the shop. Apparently he works for one of the mobile network providers in the country currently running a huge promotion. Come to think of it, could that be why he bought that much airtime from the shop? Was he in fact promoting himself?

I’m bidding my time. Promotions come and go and so will he.

LEG VALUE

I don’t know how they did it but a month ago we watched a film at work during working hours. Not everyone was invited but most of us tried to get in to watch it.
We got the information not through an internal memo or mail as the Staff did, but through the normal channels aka rumours. Word went round that the Ministry of Labour had organized a motivational film for the workers and that all of us were invited but those who wished to work could continue with their routine. Most of the workers wished to keep their jobs and therefore declined with lots of regrets at missing such an opportunity. The Staff attended en mass.

Being a worker but closer to the Staff, I attended and even got a front row seat by virtue of being asked to carry chairs for the guests and the Staff. I had other work to do but decided to stay just to make sure they were comfortable and got myself a chair in the process, nothing extraordinary about that.

I, unfortunately, did not make it through the entirety of the movie as one of the Staff who had an earlier engagement came in and stood next to me just as the trailers were ending. It was then that I decided that a job in hand is worth more than a seat and decided purely out of courtesy to give him my seat even though I got no thanks for it. Murmurs followed on my standing and it was only natural that I went to the back as I was not transparent, with the staff eyes following my every move and when I got to the back I again decided to find out if there was anyone left outside and as a result left the room albeit on my own terms.

Of course when I met my fellow workers over our boiled maize lunch the next day, I did not forget to mention my film experience much to their dismay and amazement. Someone even bought me an extra cob of boiled maize as a celebratory gesture for my success for getting that close to the Staff. However, I was nearly overshadowed by a guy who had bought a TV and watched a show called “Killmore kals”. He also had friend who could not understand how he’d seen someone die in a Nigerian film in a morning TV film and be alive in an evening TV film. No matter how it was explained to him he stuck to his guns and in acrimony concluded that it must have been the Nigerian juju at work.

Thankfully, he was sidelined by the new topic that was started on “leg value” in the movies. After a great length of many lurid descriptions of the Nigerian women in the films, it was unanimously agreed that most watched it for the leg show.
On getting back to work after a fulfilling lunch, we met the Staff going for another meeting this time with the Big Boss, his receptionist and his Human resource manager. A couple of guards were also in tow. One of the workers said he wished he could attend one of the many meetings the Staff normally had especially in the hot sunny lazy afternoons. He’d give an arm and a leg to go and sleep in the meetings as well.

Most of the Staff had already trooped in one by one when I was kindly requested to help in setting the chairs again. Unlike the first time there was neither a movie nor the Ministry of Labour people or as we called them Suits. It always looked like they were more interested in their suits than in our welfare what with the way they kept brushing away invisible fluff off their suits punctuated by incoherent murmurs urging the respondent to state his case. The worker would then get summarily dismissed in the days to follow.

One by one the Staff were called in to the Big Boss’s office by the all-smiles- receptionist. A few minutes later some came out all smiles while others were escorted, carried or dragged to the gate by the guards and locked out. Apparently some of the Staff were being “let go” and the previous days movie was a motivational movie- to create a softer landing for those “let go” and the Suits had come to be greased in anticipation of any future problems. Now that was a movie with different kind of” leg value”-one leading to “tarmacking.”

Bar Soap For Lotion.

I have been rather busy this last couple of months. What with the African Nations cup and the FIFA World Cup to deal with. I have been fully involved in their preparations to ensure their smooth running. I preferred the FIFA World Cup more because it had more set ups and re-evaluations to do plus the clientele were very diverse some great others miserly. Things have been good.

I knew things were turning for me when I bought my first ‘hand and body’ lotion without asking the cute attendee at the supermarket promoting it if biology had changed and hands were no longer part of the body. So it’s true I’m no longer using bar soap for lotion, I have moved on. I think I’ve even become spiritual and begin my days with the inkling that ‘every day is a blessing’ before my cold shower and lotion- hand and body lotion- application. I am as they say ‘fairer’ than before. Things could not get any better.

On the other hand- note; there was no ‘on one hand’- my boss has been up in my face cursing me for my constant lateness, sickness and absenteeism as I abscond from work to prepare for the FIFA World Cup. In my success I have seen people do weird things like go to church. Now hold your horses it’s their reason for going to church that has astounded me. I was preparing one family for the FIFA World Cup and when I was done the wife said that she would be the first one to go to church that weekend. The husband obliged and so on that Sunday the Husband was laid back at home waiting for 9am to turn on his TV and try and catch his wife live on TV in a live Sunday sermon broadcast by one local channel. Come the next Sunday he would get his chance.

My preparations have taken to places you’ll never go to. Have you been to your MP’s residence? Not his home but his official residence? You have? Not on a begging mission but because he needed a favor from you? I didn’t think so. Well just to rub it in, I have. And it’s not once or twice but several times. An illegitimate daughter of his has also been pinpointed to me. I also got her phone number so I have been sending her ‘please call me’ text messages and beeping her every now and then. I’m still waiting for her reply as I’m a patient man. The workers at his home have a nickname for her too. I’m not to be quoted but just so you’re in the know they call her “out-grower” – born out of wedlock, came with father to his first marriage. What? You know who an out-grower is? I ask -Are you speaking from experience?

I have also in my forays been to immaculate, gigantic houses where the watchman has his own toilet and bathroom and really good skin. His secret being not only lots of soap and clean water but also a rough polythene sack that he uses to scrub himself thoroughly for the appeasement of his boss’s madam. I had a difficult encounter with him on our first meet. He had left the gate wide open in his haste to keep himself clean when I got to it. There were other people waiting at the gate so I stayed put waiting for him to be done. When he was through he came to address us and began with me but I did not know it. He hurled insults at the guy next to me for not paying attention to him and it was only when he pointed at me that I realized it was me he had been insulting all along. How did he expect me to know that he was cross-eyed?

In the house there was also a cook who fed me like the dogs, literally. I can safely say that those who are always shouting about our country going to the dogs have not met the dogs I ate with. I even sampled some of their crunchy biscuits. The cook has gone to school and has an acquired accent with a refrain to boot. All his sentences would begin or end with the same phrase whatever the case.

“By the way, the food is ready madam.”

“I was feeding the dogs by the way, when the food was cooking madam.”

“By the way madam, do you want me to serve with the white plates or the clear ones today?”

“I think, by the way, that it will rain today.”

“I’m the chief cook here by the way.” Never mind that he was the only cook there!

“By the way, where do you come from?”

To which I nearly answered “I’m definitely not from by the way!” at the risk of missing out on the food he was about to serve.

I have also been to the near-do-wells and have assisted them with FIFA World Cup preparations as well. Most of them have huge masts that I had to lift on my own on to their roofs and fix so that they could get a clearer reception of the free-to-air TV stations. My work is so good that I have started rumours that once I fix your antennae depending on your payment you might receive cable TV. Of course I’ve been modest enough when asked to confirm or deny them. I told you what I have been doing right? Fixing TV aerials for a fee.

Unfortunately it’s all coming to an end tonight. The FIFA World Cup ends tonight and I’ll be out of work. Soon, I’ll be back to bar soap for lotion- for both “hands and body”.
.

Trial and Error

Excuse me, does this trouser make my bum look big?

What?

My bum. It does, doesn’t it?

I don’t know!

See those guys over there?

Yeah.

They said I could not make you smile.

They did?

Yeah and now they’re waiting for you to wave at them.

So you want me to wave at them?

No. You don’t have to I will.

Why aren’t they waving back?

They’re probably wondering who I am. I don’t know them.

I thought you said…

Forget about them. They’re not important. I’m more interested in you.

Wa, ok.

I was just seated over there when you walked in and thought to myself.

Yes.

I thought I needed to check if they were real.

If what was real?

Those two.

WHAT!

Those beautiful earrings you got on.

Oh!

They go well with your dress.

Thanks, I guess.

I’m Edward.

Joy.

You must think I’m weird.

Yes you are definitely weird.

Thanks.

Thanks?

For the compliment. That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me so far Joy.

Do you go asking people about your bum?

No. You?

NO!

I just thought the line “have we met before?” is so over used.

So that was your line?

Kind off.

So now what next?

Well I’m sort of lost right now.

Lost?

Yeah. I did not think I’d get this far. Not with someone like you.

What do you mean by that: “someone like you?”

Someone as pretty as you.

Is that another one of your lines?

Yeah. Told you I was lost. Any hints?

This is the part you’re supposed to ask me what I’m doing here.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for someone.

Who?

What about you? What are you doing here?

Checking you out.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So what do you think?

I think whoever you’re waiting for better come quick.

Why?

Cos I’m trying to make a coup de tat here. All I need’s a phone number.

And why on earth would I give it to you?

Cos every pretty girl needs one and I’m willing to be one.

Be what?

Your stalker.

You said your name is? Edward?

Yes, Edward.

Edward you’re starting to freak me out.

Is that a good thing?

No.

So, I’m not getting it am I?

Nope.

So who are you waiting for anyway?

My boyfriend.

Oh …ok. Is he a big guy?

Yeah and he’s going to bash your head in if you don’t leave now.

Ok. At least I tried. Cant’ blame a guy for trying.

Can’t.

I can live with that. Tell you what, here’s my number.

What for?

Just in case.

In case of what?

In case you need a stalker.

Ok.

I think I should have stopped when you said I was weird.

Are you leaving or should I?

No need to I’m leaving.

Go.

Ok.