Dear Sir,
My name is Joseph sir. I am an employee of your company. I work in the cleaning department. You probably know me sir. I was recently appointed the secretary General of our in house association. If you don’t remember me let me try and describe myself to you. I am the one you called a nincompoop just the other day for bumping into you as you were showing some visitors your “operations” area. By the way I did not mean to sir- I was so busy trying to avoid you that I was not looking at where I was going. Still haven’t clicked or rang any bells? I have a worn out apron with a brownish yellow t-shirt inside- I wear it all the time, it used to be brown or was it yellow? One of those colors.
Anyway the reason I’m jotting down this massive to you sir, is because we as your workers have some complaints sir. Before I get to them I want give you some background information. First about myself sir. They say it is only by knowing where you’re coming from is when you know where you’re going or should not go. I’m coming from a village far away from here sir. I came here and got a job at your company and I was happy. I live at The Estate, it’s just a few kilometers from your big house if you use the main road but I am actually your neighbor. Of course we don’t meet because of the big wall that separates us. Were it not for the wall you could actually see me everyday when I get home from work in the morning as I go for my cold shower or for bodily duties behind my place. That wall is pretty tall sir someone said it’s like the Berlin wall, whatever that is sir. We share some amenities too sir. For example the municipal council has given you metallic dustbins on your side right? We also use them sir but for other purposes – our landlord uses them to repair his roof. The City council engraved label is a total give away but no one can see us- the wall remember?
Anyway, again sir I am preparing for our first meeting as a member of the Association. I can’t wait. Yesterday I was at our local tailor very early in the morning but had to wait until 11 am for my chance. There were some people already in line there sir; we go there only on few occasions to iron our clothes, at a fee of course. I had washed my uniform and put them under my mattress but they were not straight enough sir so for you I decided to appear smart. The tailor came late as well. He has been opening late nowadays ever since some TV station decide to air Nigerian movies in the morning at about 9am he says. You see it’s not that he likes the movies so much- it’s the men and more so the women in the movies sir. He has been copying the various designs that they have and what better way than to sit and watch –with a pen and piece of paper of course. Business he says has never been better. I’m told the movies are very good; I don’t have a TV sir.
Sir, I think we should now get to the main body of my letter. Some of the complaints we have include summary dismissal. I don’t think it is fair to summarize the work of someone sir. Not after they have worked for you for all those years. Take for example me sir. I have worked for you selfishly for many years. Just the other day you sent me home for one month on unpaid leave for being absent without permission. I have and I will repeat my reason and good excuse sir. A plane fell over my house sir. I was not making that up sir. It really did sir. It was in the news. Some people even saw me on their TV’s. I don’t know what station sir- I don’t have a TV.
Ok so maybe I left out some details, like the fact that it is a few kilometers away but sir it was an opportunity to die for-some people actually did die sir. I got to see a real plane sir! Face to wreckage!
Your recourse was uncalled for- one month? I know you care about us sir, I do. That is why I have never told you what the other people say behind your back. Some say that you are a philanderer and an animal that needs to be taken to the zoo- I think they say this because you have hair sprouting out of your ears but I understand what it is sir- your body is just making up for the hair loss on your head and that is normal, right? I also have hair growing in many places so you see they are just jealous.
That other thing sir, about you being a womanizer, I think it’s just a big lie. They are saying that the receptionist is yours. I agree. Of course she is and what is wrong with you being her guest after all she is the receptionist.
The other thing that we want addressed sir is about pay. The workers are demanding a pay increase sir. They are saying that you made a lot of money last year and you will too this year so they want a piece of the cake. I understand that something went horribly wrong with my predecessor. He asked for too many things and you listened to him go on and on as it was his democratic right. You then exercised your democratic right as well and fired him. I love my job boss and I’m not going to talk more than I have to in our meeting. I thought it better to let you know of my agenda in advance sir.
Let me go to the last part now sir, the conclusion as I know you’re a busy man and that the receptionist is also waiting to receive you again today.
Every good letter, my teacher used to say, must have a conclusion so here we are sir at the conclusion. They are many more things I would have liked to say sir but I will save them for the meeting. Have a good time.
Yours,
Joseph, but you can call me Jose, everyone else does.
Secretary General.
Bye.
PS: I think we should also talk about the unpaid leave you gave me. So that will also be in the agenda somewhere. I look forward to hitting it off with you as soon as possible. I will make a photocopy of this letter for you and me too. Bye again sir.
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